Let Your Past Make You Better.

I came across a quote today that read "Let your past make you better not bitter." I thought about it and I realized that my past makes me who I am today and I am not bitter about it at all. The things that I am contemplating in today's blog made me stronger, but on the other hand I would not want my own children to go through what I did. So it's kind of a catch 22.

I was raised in a middle class family home with my mom, my dad and my brother. We lived in a nice home with a dog and a cat, in a nice community. Both my parents worked 9-5 jobs and you could say we were a typical American family. I was loved tremendously and given almost anything I could ask for. So you ask, what's the big deal?

Many don't know this about me but I was bullied and tormented everyday in grade school, starting from about 2nd grade up until I graduated high school. That's because now, in my late twenties, I am a very confident outspoken woman. Some would say a little too outspoken. I've lived with my foot in my mouth quite a few times, but I'm working on it folks. I learn each time.

I hear so much on the news and radio about bullying now a days and the "wussification" of America. About kids killing themselves over being bullied. I get so angry about how no one looks at the home life of the kids. I mean, I was made fun of pretty much daily, but when I came home that all disappeared. My mom is an awesome mom and a inspiring woman to look up to. I completely believe that the quote "Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says OH NO SHE'S UP" was completely written after they met her. I could write a whole blog just about her. I attributed this as the difference to why throughout the years of tormenting I never once thought of killing myself. Don't get me wrong I had my "sick" days or the days I would call my mom "sick" because it was just too hard that day at school with my peers, but I came home to a supporting and loving mother everyday.

Kids are brutal and frankly the sad truth is bullying and tormenting is never going to disappear from school. The kids learn it from their peers but it ultimately starts at home. An ugly hurtful child did not learn that on their own, they learn it from the adults around them at home and in school. Nine times out of ten I guarantee that if you visited the child bully's home you would find adults more rude than the child. I know because in 5th grade my mother was at every one of my bully's front doors to talk with their parents, like I said you don't want to mess with the woman or her children. However, the parents either A. didn't care or B. didn't believe their sweet angel was capable of this behavior.

In 5th grade I was attending Baker Elementary and my teacher was Ms. McGlon. Wait this is social media, why am I disclosing the exact school and teacher?  Because I believe she needs to realize that as a teacher she should have been a protector. It's 18 years later and I still remember her exactly and how my entire class made fun of me. Friends that I thought were my friends were now making fun of me because it was the cool thing to do. I lost childhood friends because I was no longer "cool." As I aged I was never stick thin, I have always been curvy. Which let me tell you, curves are AWESOME once you enter into your twenties and boys become men. So if any young ladies read this, stick it out, those curves you hate in the mirror will have their time to shine the rest of your adult life. Remember grade school is just a blip in your life as whole.

My whole class was verbally abusing me and the adults that are suppose to be the guardians did nothing. My mother even brought it to my teacher's attention and still she did nothing. I am not saying that she needed to publicly humiliate the children responsible, but it would have been nice. Someone needs teach the brats some kind of manners. I miss the days when teachers actually had some power. I'm sure sitting with a dunce cap in the corner of the room all day doesn't earn you cool points or a smack across the hand with a ruler could have a helped a little. Calm down, I know now a days a teacher can barely give a child a D on a paper without receiving some ramification from the child's parents. It's sad and scary at the same time.

After Elementary school came Middle School, which is worse. Now you mix miserable mean children and add puberty. However, I was starting to blossom. I was taking on more of my mother's hell have no fury persona. I remember in 6th grade,minding my own business, while walking down the hall from band class and having one of my tormentors following me. Saying taunting things with his buddy and laughing. I don't know what happened in that moment but I felt my right hand on my trumpet case get tighter. I remember watching my hand come across the front of my chest, my core tightening as I swung my right arm and spun around at my tormentor. Let me say and pardon my french, that scared the shit out of those boys. I fondly have no memory, of those two boys at least, making fun of me ever again.

In middle school everyone is awkward, it's just one of those awful, weird and smelly times in life. So tormenting was still prevalent, but not as bad as elementary. I just had to be aware of my every move, so that I didn't give them any bate to use against me. Still they'd find something, even when I tried to dress in the latest trends. Around this time I decided to just be me, and quit trying. What difference did it make? I was a little bit of a tom boy in middle school, wearing cargo pants and my brother's t-shirts. No make up really and my hair was a hot mess, as I still hadn't mastered styling yet. This didn't go over too well with my brother. He has always been Mr. Popular and was the varsity pitcher pretty much all through high school. We have a seven year gap in age which made us not very close, but we are also polar opposites in social status and personality.

I remember to this day sitting at the kitchen and my brother talking to my mother. He was asking her why I had to dress the way I did. Which maybe he was asking that only to try to help to alleviate the tormenting, but as a young sister that is all you remember. We still are not as close today as brother's and sister's typically are. But, I know he loves me very much and is always there for me whenever I would need him to be.

I took my awkward smelly stage day my day. Everyone gets through it and no one comes out unscathed. Middle school is like war and we all have our own battles. I know I wasn't alone in my hardships and my tormentors probably had tormentors... hopefully. Just kidding I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even my demons, well I'd like to think I wouldn't.

High school was an interesting transition, for me at least. In the transition of elementary school to middle school half my elementary classmates went to one middle school and the other half went to another. So when high school came we were all converged back together again. I encounter kids that I hadn't encounter since 5th grade, and guess what? They didn't miss a beat with making fun of me for the same old stuff. Seriously. Luckily though I was only there for a month because my mom decided to sell the house and move us out to a different area.

My mom gave me a fresh start, no more kids with the history of making fun of me. No one knew whether I was "cool" or not. If you ever experience this feeling of a clean slate and making your own destiny it's great. Making new friends is hard but you can do it if you put in the effort. Make sure to always make the most of situations and remember that nothing is given to you. Now I didn't make a complete 180, I was still awkward and quite but I had my select few friends throughout high school. There would be a torment here and there, but by this point you'd developed a skin of resistance to it. Also, high schoolers are at the age where they are more concerned about themselves then anyone else. 

I joined the band and instantly had a sense of comradery and a sense of belonging. I excelled in academics in high school and fondly look back on it. My mother questions whether the move made any difference or was a good choice, but I know for me it was the best choice. The bullying pretty much ended after high school. It never completely goes away, even as adults. There are still women and men that will "torment" others as adults, but you realize now to feel sorry for them and not for yourself. They are obviously so insecure in them selves that they feel they need to be hurtful towards others.

I've learn to laugh with the hate, but my mom says I can be so "cold" sometimes. Maybe that's my PTSD from the wars of grade school. My peers made me build a tough skin so I developed a wall around myself. Either way. I look at those times without bitterness and would not change them. If it was any different I would not be the successful, driven, smart as whip, hell has no fury woman I am today. I can remember almost every name of my bullies, you almost wish now you could go up and thank them. I was given everything at home but the hardships I encounter out in the world at a young age made me a force to be reckoned with.

I realize that not everyone has parents like I do, this played a large part in my success in life. I wish everyone could have great loving parents. It's really a shame that kid's are deprived the chance of being awesome adults because of something or someone from their developmental stage. I would personally love to slap some sense in to some adults raising kids.

Remember that everyone you encounter you have the opportunity to change their day or their life. We are humans, born to sin, but we have the ability to conscientiously make an effort to change the bad in life to good. The next time you are stressed out in traffic from a day of work and the guy in front of you wants over, let him over. Maybe he is a jerk, maybe he bullied a kid all through school but your one second of kindness could have a domino effect on how he treats the next person he encounters.

Do better, be better and good things will come your way.

- Sam

Are their others?

Hello world.

I just celebrated my 28th birthday and it was a great weekend. But I experienced somethings over the weekend that gave me the urge to write. This is not the first time, but most of my thoughts end up just in my head. Whether anyone actually reads this or not is not the purpose.

Over the weekend I began to question if there were others like minded as me in beliefs.

This question popped up into my head, as I was standing in church with my good friend this past Sunday. Before you begin thinking I am a church going woman, let me clarify that I was never raised going to church every Sunday. To be honest the whole idea of organized religion scares me. Legitimately scares me, standing in the congregation this last Sunday put fear into me as I scanned the room watching others with their eyes closed and hands in the air.

First I need to give some history as to how I ended up standing in church on a Sunday morning, since like I said I am not a believer in organized religion. I ended up there because of an awesome woman I met last summer through a job. She is a whole heartily good person that believes purely in the power of God and His plan. You can imagine when I met her that I was like who is this crazy person. We are complete opposites, but in life you need someone who will challenge you and your beliefs. Gail Sheely says "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security." I am the epitome of a millinium child, constantly looking for the next life expereience and wanting everything out of life. So when I met this bubbly young woman I completely challenged her and did not want to except her. Once I let her into my life, I became a happier person because of her. I began to let down "security" walls and let her in. Once she was in, my soul began to change.

 I can honestly say that she is a best friend of mine now. She has made me a better, happier person by coming into my life and I like to think that I have made her a stronger more independent woman.

She was raised with church and God in her life all her life. She whole heartily believes and puts all her faith into Him and His plan for her. She believes in what the Bible says and follows what is asked of her. So I began to wonder, well maybe there is something to it. Her and her husband are such wonderful sweet people, maybe I missed something when I was younger. Maybe I should check it out again. This wondering is how I ended up standing next to her in church on a beautiful Sunday morning.

I myself, I have never read the Bible. I went to Sunday school at a young age and I have heard the gist of what is in it throughout the years. I still do not have the urge to sit down and read it. Do I judge people who read it everyday and carry it around in the back pocket of their jeans? Yes. Does that make me a hypocrite, since I have not read it myself? Probably. But you're still reading this so obviously I have kept you intrigued. I believe the Bible is a great historic piece of literature and fables passed down through generations and generations before the written word. I believe they are meant to teach us on how to be good to our fellow man and show us that through faith you can overcome adversity. I do by no means believe everything in the Bible or believe that it is fact through and through.

While I sat there next to her listening to the pastor, a few things would go through my head. This gentleman, if you take all the God and scripture out of it, is a really good motivational speaker. He had some good points that make you question how you are living your life. The subject of the sermon was about 'Settling'. The first thing he asked was what Settling meant to us. My answer was "You have settled when you have given up." This idea was not what he was about to explore with us.

His sermon was more focused on this idea of being slaves to our own lives. He started with the ancient Israelite and their 400 years of human slavery. Doing the same monotonous work day in and day out until you eventually die. He then moved into talks about how we end up being slaves and serving "things" in our own lives. We buy that brand new house to "serve" our need for a home and a roof over our heads. It's great when we first move in, until a few years down the road you need a new roof, then a pipe burst and then the HVAC needs repair. Before you know it, it's more like you are serving the house than it is serving you. Your life is spent doing day to day settling and serving "things" and not Him. However, you are reading this and thinking his main objective is that  we need to let go of these "things" and only serve Him. It's not, he said God does not want anyone to live "enslaved," even in religion. It seems like throughout history people are trying to "earn" their way into Heaven, with the thought that I'll read the bible more or I'll go to church every Sunday. The pastor's message was that you are then enslaving yourself to religion too. Jesus was sacrificed on the cross so that he could bear all of our sins, so that God's children would not have to be enslaved.

Everything he said made me question somethings in how I had given up my art and now work in a corporate day to day office to pay for my "things." I myself am enslaved in my own life. I work to pay for my things, living with the thought that "eventually" I will have enough to experience life. Living just to work and earn money.

BUT, back to the real question that started this blog.

Are their people who think like me?

Did this one day of church change me? Did I see what I was missing out on? No. I love and admire my friend's strong belief in her faith, but I can't help but scan the room and think there are alot of hypocrites in here. That judgmental thought, is my own belief conflicting with theirs. Maybe they are great people like my friend, but I believe that majority of the population craps on their neighbor and comes to church every Sunday thinking that alone makes them a good Christian or what ever religion it is that they practice.

I was a server for 8 years in a few nice restaurants while going to college. Let me tell you, working on Sundays as a server are the worst days to work in a restaurant. This goes for majority of restaurants. When church lets out, its like the gates of hell have been unleashed on you. Working as a server on Sundays for as long as I did will pull your faith on organized religion alone. I believe the awful people that I had the joy of encountering believed that if they went to church they were either A. Forgiven for their rude behavior or B. That they are some how better than you. Two things I'm sure they did not learn in their church service that day.

So no, I do not believe in organized religion. I believe there is A LOT of judgement towards their fellow man, and that it is full of hypocrisy. I am guilty in the judgement just by writing this.

I am by NO means an Atheist. I believe in a higher power, I'm not sure who or what, but I do believe. It's a comforting thought that there is a Heaven and a Hell, that the love ones I must say good bye to here on earth I will see again. That the people who sin against their fellow man have a special place in the 12 levels of Hell.

I believe in being good to your fellow man as humans. We should be empathetic to others and their situations. I believe everyone I meet starts with a clean slate in our relationship, they themselves have the power as to how that develops in the future. This is a belief that I try to practice everyday. Although no one is perfect, I do try.

I believe every man and woman has the right to love who they love and marry who they want to marry. I believe we have no control over who we fall in love with, and that a book should not project hateful judgement onto those individuals.

I am more of an evolutionist then spiritual. I see and believe the scientific evidence of where humans come from. Does this mean that I don't believe that God created earth and everything in it? No. But I do not believe that it was created in 3 days, I do not believe that 2 solemn people named Adam and Eve created every man and race on this earth. I do not believe that Mose named ALL the animals in front of Angels. I believe in the science of it. The big bang theory, that idea that energy colliding together started something in the solar system that had a cataclysmic effect in creating what we now call Earth. I believe that moment was started by something or someone.

I believe in an afterlife and a Heaven. There is a movie from the late 90s called "What Dreams May Come," it stars Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr. Hold up, before you start picture the comedian Robin Williams that we all love and adore, it's not that kind of movie. It is one of Robin Williams more serious roles. I always refer to this movie as a reference of what I believe in for the after life. If you haven't watched it, I would recommend it. It is about about a man who dies and finds himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of, but without his wife, who killed herself after he died. He decides to risk eternity in hell for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven. You can tell that it is roughly based on Dante's Inferno.

I believe that no one religion is the "right" religion. People have the right to believe what/ who they want to believe in. I do not believe in people that think people or whole countries are lost because they are not Christians. That thought alone to me seems hypocritical towards God. When one of the Bible's premises to to love thy fellow man. So in other words love thy fellow man but hold up, that only applies if they believe what I believe? How does that work?

I believe that religion has been the cause of a lot of hate and death throughout history. It is one thing that has stirred controversy and wars since the start of man. We like to think that as humans we learn from our mistakes, and in some cases we have throughout the centuries. However as humans, we all are stumbling through life trying to figure out what is right and wrong for ourselves. We all start the same and end the same. Being born into the world, completely innocent and naive to the world and leaving the world hoping that their mistakes are learned by the generations after them. There is the saying that if I knew what I knew now then I would be better. So as humans we are bound to repeat the same mistakes, for this is a process of humanity that we use to learn. Our elders try to explain to us what happened to them and teach us what not to do, but we are individuals who think we can do it better and that is how we learn. We learn in the failures and in the successes.

I believe in celebrating your love ones whenever you can and that is most important on holidays. I understand the history of what it is we are celebrating on Christmas and Easter. Do I enjoy the sweets and presents? Yes, who doesn't? And if you are nodding your head that you don't you are lying to yourself. I understand where the holiday's history comes from, but for me it is more about being with my love ones and enjoying their company. After all, they were brought into my life and I want to celebrate them. So holidays for me are an excuse to do that. Do I get pissed off at department stores when they are barfing Christmas in my face in July? Yes. I think we could all use a dose of religion on what Christmas is really about and not all the superficial crap that is shoved into our faces 5 months too early to the point that you are in a panic.

Do I practice 24/7 all that I am telling you? No. Do I try my hardest? Yes. I try to not judge and say hateful things, but I know that I do. The older I get the more closer I get to this idea I believe in. I believe the guilt I feel when I think hateful things and the effort I put into myself to change is what makes me a good person and "earns" me a spot with my friends and family in Heaven.

I want to celebrate life and my love ones. After all, it is true. We only get one chance, and we may stumble our way through it, but just make sure your not sitting on the sidelines and get up and stumble with us. 

- Sam