Let Your Past Make You Better.

I came across a quote today that read "Let your past make you better not bitter." I thought about it and I realized that my past makes me who I am today and I am not bitter about it at all. The things that I am contemplating in today's blog made me stronger, but on the other hand I would not want my own children to go through what I did. So it's kind of a catch 22.

I was raised in a middle class family home with my mom, my dad and my brother. We lived in a nice home with a dog and a cat, in a nice community. Both my parents worked 9-5 jobs and you could say we were a typical American family. I was loved tremendously and given almost anything I could ask for. So you ask, what's the big deal?

Many don't know this about me but I was bullied and tormented everyday in grade school, starting from about 2nd grade up until I graduated high school. That's because now, in my late twenties, I am a very confident outspoken woman. Some would say a little too outspoken. I've lived with my foot in my mouth quite a few times, but I'm working on it folks. I learn each time.

I hear so much on the news and radio about bullying now a days and the "wussification" of America. About kids killing themselves over being bullied. I get so angry about how no one looks at the home life of the kids. I mean, I was made fun of pretty much daily, but when I came home that all disappeared. My mom is an awesome mom and a inspiring woman to look up to. I completely believe that the quote "Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says OH NO SHE'S UP" was completely written after they met her. I could write a whole blog just about her. I attributed this as the difference to why throughout the years of tormenting I never once thought of killing myself. Don't get me wrong I had my "sick" days or the days I would call my mom "sick" because it was just too hard that day at school with my peers, but I came home to a supporting and loving mother everyday.

Kids are brutal and frankly the sad truth is bullying and tormenting is never going to disappear from school. The kids learn it from their peers but it ultimately starts at home. An ugly hurtful child did not learn that on their own, they learn it from the adults around them at home and in school. Nine times out of ten I guarantee that if you visited the child bully's home you would find adults more rude than the child. I know because in 5th grade my mother was at every one of my bully's front doors to talk with their parents, like I said you don't want to mess with the woman or her children. However, the parents either A. didn't care or B. didn't believe their sweet angel was capable of this behavior.

In 5th grade I was attending Baker Elementary and my teacher was Ms. McGlon. Wait this is social media, why am I disclosing the exact school and teacher?  Because I believe she needs to realize that as a teacher she should have been a protector. It's 18 years later and I still remember her exactly and how my entire class made fun of me. Friends that I thought were my friends were now making fun of me because it was the cool thing to do. I lost childhood friends because I was no longer "cool." As I aged I was never stick thin, I have always been curvy. Which let me tell you, curves are AWESOME once you enter into your twenties and boys become men. So if any young ladies read this, stick it out, those curves you hate in the mirror will have their time to shine the rest of your adult life. Remember grade school is just a blip in your life as whole.

My whole class was verbally abusing me and the adults that are suppose to be the guardians did nothing. My mother even brought it to my teacher's attention and still she did nothing. I am not saying that she needed to publicly humiliate the children responsible, but it would have been nice. Someone needs teach the brats some kind of manners. I miss the days when teachers actually had some power. I'm sure sitting with a dunce cap in the corner of the room all day doesn't earn you cool points or a smack across the hand with a ruler could have a helped a little. Calm down, I know now a days a teacher can barely give a child a D on a paper without receiving some ramification from the child's parents. It's sad and scary at the same time.

After Elementary school came Middle School, which is worse. Now you mix miserable mean children and add puberty. However, I was starting to blossom. I was taking on more of my mother's hell have no fury persona. I remember in 6th grade,minding my own business, while walking down the hall from band class and having one of my tormentors following me. Saying taunting things with his buddy and laughing. I don't know what happened in that moment but I felt my right hand on my trumpet case get tighter. I remember watching my hand come across the front of my chest, my core tightening as I swung my right arm and spun around at my tormentor. Let me say and pardon my french, that scared the shit out of those boys. I fondly have no memory, of those two boys at least, making fun of me ever again.

In middle school everyone is awkward, it's just one of those awful, weird and smelly times in life. So tormenting was still prevalent, but not as bad as elementary. I just had to be aware of my every move, so that I didn't give them any bate to use against me. Still they'd find something, even when I tried to dress in the latest trends. Around this time I decided to just be me, and quit trying. What difference did it make? I was a little bit of a tom boy in middle school, wearing cargo pants and my brother's t-shirts. No make up really and my hair was a hot mess, as I still hadn't mastered styling yet. This didn't go over too well with my brother. He has always been Mr. Popular and was the varsity pitcher pretty much all through high school. We have a seven year gap in age which made us not very close, but we are also polar opposites in social status and personality.

I remember to this day sitting at the kitchen and my brother talking to my mother. He was asking her why I had to dress the way I did. Which maybe he was asking that only to try to help to alleviate the tormenting, but as a young sister that is all you remember. We still are not as close today as brother's and sister's typically are. But, I know he loves me very much and is always there for me whenever I would need him to be.

I took my awkward smelly stage day my day. Everyone gets through it and no one comes out unscathed. Middle school is like war and we all have our own battles. I know I wasn't alone in my hardships and my tormentors probably had tormentors... hopefully. Just kidding I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even my demons, well I'd like to think I wouldn't.

High school was an interesting transition, for me at least. In the transition of elementary school to middle school half my elementary classmates went to one middle school and the other half went to another. So when high school came we were all converged back together again. I encounter kids that I hadn't encounter since 5th grade, and guess what? They didn't miss a beat with making fun of me for the same old stuff. Seriously. Luckily though I was only there for a month because my mom decided to sell the house and move us out to a different area.

My mom gave me a fresh start, no more kids with the history of making fun of me. No one knew whether I was "cool" or not. If you ever experience this feeling of a clean slate and making your own destiny it's great. Making new friends is hard but you can do it if you put in the effort. Make sure to always make the most of situations and remember that nothing is given to you. Now I didn't make a complete 180, I was still awkward and quite but I had my select few friends throughout high school. There would be a torment here and there, but by this point you'd developed a skin of resistance to it. Also, high schoolers are at the age where they are more concerned about themselves then anyone else. 

I joined the band and instantly had a sense of comradery and a sense of belonging. I excelled in academics in high school and fondly look back on it. My mother questions whether the move made any difference or was a good choice, but I know for me it was the best choice. The bullying pretty much ended after high school. It never completely goes away, even as adults. There are still women and men that will "torment" others as adults, but you realize now to feel sorry for them and not for yourself. They are obviously so insecure in them selves that they feel they need to be hurtful towards others.

I've learn to laugh with the hate, but my mom says I can be so "cold" sometimes. Maybe that's my PTSD from the wars of grade school. My peers made me build a tough skin so I developed a wall around myself. Either way. I look at those times without bitterness and would not change them. If it was any different I would not be the successful, driven, smart as whip, hell has no fury woman I am today. I can remember almost every name of my bullies, you almost wish now you could go up and thank them. I was given everything at home but the hardships I encounter out in the world at a young age made me a force to be reckoned with.

I realize that not everyone has parents like I do, this played a large part in my success in life. I wish everyone could have great loving parents. It's really a shame that kid's are deprived the chance of being awesome adults because of something or someone from their developmental stage. I would personally love to slap some sense in to some adults raising kids.

Remember that everyone you encounter you have the opportunity to change their day or their life. We are humans, born to sin, but we have the ability to conscientiously make an effort to change the bad in life to good. The next time you are stressed out in traffic from a day of work and the guy in front of you wants over, let him over. Maybe he is a jerk, maybe he bullied a kid all through school but your one second of kindness could have a domino effect on how he treats the next person he encounters.

Do better, be better and good things will come your way.

- Sam